Talking to children about death is one of the most challenging conversations a parent may face. Whether it’s death of a family member, a pet, or simply questions about life or mortality, children are naturally curious and often have lots of questions. As adults, we may feel uncomfortable or unsure about how to explain death in a way that’s age appropriate and emotionally supportive.
However, having these conversations can help children process their feelings, cope with loss, and develop a healthy understanding of life and death.
So, where do we begin to even have these conversations?
Be Honest and Clear
- Use simple language when talking about death. Avoid using euphemisms like “passed away” or “went to sleep,” as these can confuse younger children who may take things literally.
- Explain that death is a natural part of life and be open about the fact that it’s permanent.
- If your child asks questions, answer them simply and honestly. Children appreciate clarity and are more likely to feel safe if they understand what’s happening.
For example, instead of saying “Grandpa is in a better place,” you might say, “Grandpa died, and his body doesn’t work anymore.” This straightforward explanation helps children understand the reality of the situation without causing confusion.
Tailor the Conversation to Their Age
- Younger children, especially those under the age of 5, may have a limited understanding of death. They may not grasp the permanence, and may ask if the person or the pet is coming back. In these situations, it’s important to be patient and try to explain death in simple terms, emphasizing the fact that it is permanent.
- School-aged children understand death more fully. They may have more specific questions about what happens to the body, or why people die. It’s helpful to provide concrete answers while also being empathetic towards their emotions.
- Teenagers typically have a deeper awareness of death. They may be grappling with existential questions about life. Offer a space for them to express their thoughts and feelings, and be available to talk through their concerns.
Encourage Emotional Expression
- Let your child know that it is okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry. Tell them that all emotions are valid, and they don’t have to hide their feelings about death.
- Encourage them to talk about their thoughts and ask questions they have, even if the questions seem repetitive. Children often need to hear things multiple times to process the information.
- Share your own feelings about the loss. If you’re feeling sad, let your child know that it’s okay you both feel this way.
By creating an open and supportive environment, you give your child permission to express their grief and begin to understand the emotions they are feeling.
Use Books and Stories to Explain Death
- Books can be a valuable resource when explaining death to children. Many children’s books help kids understand loss, grief, and the concept of death in a sensitive way.
- Choose books that are appropriate for your child’s age and help explain death through metaphors and stories.
- Read the book together and use it as an opportunity to talk about your child’s feelings.
Stories and metaphors provide a gentle way to introduce complex concepts and open conversations about death that feel less intimidating for both you and your child.
Be Prepared for Difficult Questions
- Children may ask tough questions about what happens after death, why people die, or whether they or their loved ones will die soon. It’s normal for children to be curious, and answering these questions as honestly as possible helps them feel secure.
- If you don’t know an answer, it’s okay to say “I don’t know, but what do you think?” Engaging with children in this way helps them explore their own thoughts.
- Being prepared may also mean seeking help from a professional. If you and your children are processing death, reach out and schedule a session with a mental health therapist.