How to Relate to Your Child’s Interests
As parents, you probably have a mental image of the hobbies you will share with your children. You picture tossing a baseball in the backyard or reading your favorite classic novels together. Reality, however, often looks quite different.
Instead, your child develops a deep, inexplicable obsession with a video game you do not understand, a YouTube channel that gives you a headache, or a music genre that sounds like pure noise. The instinct is to smile, nod, and mentally check out. But from a developmental perspective, a child’s interest is never just an interest. It is one of their primary vehicles for emotional connection.
When you dismiss their passions, children often internalize it as a dismissal of themselves. Relating to your child’s interests is not about forcing yourself to love what they love. It is about learning to speak their language so they feel seen, valued, and safe enough to keep inviting you into their world.
Their Hobbies Are Bids for Connection
Psychologist John Gottman coined the term “bids for connection” to describe the small ways people reach out to others for attention, affirmation, or affection. For children, their hobbies are among their biggest bids.
When your child spends twenty minutes enthusiastically explaining the complicated lore of a video game or the plot of an anime, they are not simply sharing facts. They are asking a fundamental question: “Are you interested in me? Am I worth your time?” When you respond with a distracted “That is nice, honey” while scrolling your phone, you are turning away from that bid. Over time, consistent turning away teaches children that their inner world is not valuable to you, and they will eventually stop sharing it altogether.
To build trust, you have to be willing to step onto their turf. Think of yourself as the visitor and your child as the tour guide.
Become an Investigator, Not a Critic
It is natural to judge what you do not understand. If a hobby seems pointless or silly from an adult perspective, the tendency is to dismiss or critique it. To truly connect, you have to change your approach entirely.
Rather than evaluating their interests through your own lens, approach them with genuine curiosity. Ask your child to teach you something. Children spend the vast majority of their lives being instructed by adults, so it is genuinely empowering for them to be the experts in the room. Ask them to show you how to play their game, explain what the lyrics of their favorite song mean, or walk you through how they create their artwork.
It also helps to look past the surface of the hobby and find the underlying value. A child who loves a world-building game like Minecraft may actually be expressing a deep need for autonomy and creativity. A child drawn to multiplayer games may be craving teamwork and strategy. When you connect with the value beneath the interest, you meet them where it actually matters.
Simple Ways to Show Up
You do not need to develop a genuine passion for their hobbies. You do need to show up with presence and curiosity. Try committing to just ten minutes of phone-free, focused engagement. Sit beside them, watch what they are doing, and ask questions. Ten minutes of genuine attention is worth far more than hours of distracted proximity.
When they accomplish something in their game or finish a piece of art, resist the urge to simply say “Good job.” Instead, try: “You look so proud of that. How long did it take you to figure that out?” Naming the emotion behind the achievement deepens the connection.
If you are having difficulty connecting with your child or want support in strengthening your relationship, parenting therapy can help.
Remember, the goal is not to become an expert in everything your child loves. The goal is to build a bridge so they know you are a safe place to land. Reach out to our office today to schedule an appointment.