The teen years get a bad reputation because during this time opinions are forming, roles are shifting, and it can be frustrating for both parents and their teens. I often refer to it as a grieving process for parents. You child who once thought everything you said was perfect and true, now wants zero advice. You can give the best advice in the world, and they will still want to figure it out for themselves. This can feel like rejection to a parent, but it is actually a normal and appropriate behavior in this stage of development. Your teen is trying to navigate independence, and you are having to learn to let go of your level of influence. It’s a push and pull that can leave everyone feeling frustrated and defeated, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some tips to make the transition in the teen years a little easier.
- Listen rather than Give Advice
Your teen is learning to think for themselves, therefore, when we jump in with advice, subconsciously they are hearing. “You aren’t capable” or “we don’t think you’ve got this.” This is incredibly frustrating for your teenager because this is the time they want to try out their independence. It is the safest time to try and fail, because they can learn while still under the safety net of their parents.
Stay curious and ask open ended questions. Teens often want to share their thoughts and ideas and if we are curious about their opinions, we communicate respect and that goes a long way for a teen. This allows us to show support and have influence by asking questions.
Make sure to validate their feelings. Even if we do not agree with our teen’s feelings, we can still validate them. For example, if they are mad at their teacher for a consequence they set. You may feel the boundary was appropriate, but arguing with them isn’t going to get you anywhere. You also don’t have to say, “yeah that teacher stinks they are the worst!” You can simply say “That frustrated you, you didn’t feel that consequence was fair.” You validated how they felt, it doesn’t mean you agree or condone disrespect, it means you understand their feelings. You then create a safe place for them to process their feelings and they may even end up feeling safe enough to think about things differently.
2. Create Quality Time Together
Quality time with your teen strengthens the relationship by helping them feel valued and understood. Teens get the reputation of not wanting to be around their parents anymore, and while this is partially true due to their shift towards independence, they still need and want connection with you. So often parents try to influence their teen when their bond is lacking. The bond, is the foundation of your influence. If your child feels connected to you, they are much more likely to respect you and be open to your ideas. If the bond isn’t there, the respect won’t be there, and you are simply another person telling them what to do.
Prioritize their Interest: It goes a long way to take interest in the things they value and enjoy even if it’s not your favorite activity. I hear a lot of parents say, “well I just hate doing this or it’s boring” etc. but if you want to bond with your teen, be the bigger person and do it anyway! This communicates that you value and respect them and makes them feel seen and understood. That is powerful for connection! Try to do activities that don’t just involve going to the movies or watching a show. Of course it is okay to watch a show with them, especially if it is important to them, but make sure you are being intentional about the time you spend with them in addition to movies and tv shows. Try to pick activities where you can be playful or have good conversation. If they love playing tennis and you’ve never played in your life, let them teach you! It will give them confidence and provide a fun opportunity for bonding. It’s great for your teen to see you struggle with something new, because it models that its good to try new things and shows them that it’s normal to not be good at something right away.
Plan to have a Weekly Meal Together: Studies show that family meals are linked to better mental health and academic performance in teens. Use mealtimes to chat without distractions. Hint, hint- put away your phone and engage in the present. Maybe you let them pick out the dinner on those nights or you cook together as a family. These times can create so much value in the family if done with intention
Plan family activities: Go for a hike, have a game night, go bowling, or try a new recipe together. Sharing experiences strengthens your bond and creates positive memories.
Parenting teens is challenging, but with open communication, clear boundaries, and mutual respect, you can create a calm and connected home environment that feels good for everyone. By modeling healthy behaviors and making time for connection, you create a home where your teen feels supported, valued, and respected. Remember, this period is a change for both of you, and each positive interaction helps build a foundation of trust and understanding. If you feel you need you may benefit from learning more positive parenting tips, or believe you or your teen may benefit from counseling, we are here to help. Reach out today for a free phone consultation!