It might sound to some like a cop-out when everything gets blamed on the past. However, even a cursory review of attachment theory will highlight just how influential our childhood experiences can be. As you survey the landscape of your adult relationships — friends, partners, etc. — you may discern patterns that have played a big role. Then again, those patterns may still be buried and invisible.
Either way, each of us can benefit from learning about our attachment styles. Whether we know it or not, how we were treated in our earliest days is shaping the choices we make today. Understanding and analyzing this reality can be life-altering.
What Are Attachment Styles and How Do They Affect Us As Adults?
Ideally, when we’re at our most vulnerable, we get consistent, supportive, and loving support. Ingredients like that create a secure attachment and thus equip you with what you need to create new and secure connections as you grow into adulthood.
Unfortunately, young children more often face unreliable and untrustworthy treatment. Their parents or caregivers might’ve meant well, but the end result laid an insecure foundation. Such kids grow up to have attachment styles like:
- Fearful Avoidant: A neglected child often grows into an anxious adult. Inside, they’re needy, but in practice, they remain distant. To them, it’s safer to avoid rejection by not getting too attached. Their lives are marked with drama and dysfunction.
- Anxious Preoccupied: If your childcare care was inconsistent, you were often left wanting more attention. To your young mind, you may have felt unworthy of love. Trying to connect as an adult, you may slip into passive-aggressive behavior that sabotages your success.
- Dismissive Avoidant: You felt hurt as a very young child and don’t want to feel that way again. So, you play it close to the vest while assuming the worst about friends, partners, co-workers, etc.
Other Factors to Keep in Mind
This is not meant to imply that parental treatment is the be-all and end-all. It’s a huge factor but not the only one. The socioeconomic status of your family can dramatically influence how you interact with others. Also, events that take place from adolescence to early adulthood — especially trauma — can embed many beliefs and patterns into your life. All of this, combined with the type of caretaking you received, can define your later life if you don’t take action.
Good News: Your Current Attachment Style is Not Permanent
All of the above information would be mighty depressing if not for the reality that, with hard work, you can change your attachment style. What happened to you as a child wasn’t fair, but it does not also have to be permanent. Working with an experienced therapist positions you to make powerful changes in your life, e.g.:
- Higher self-esteem
- Emotional regulation
- Naming your triggers and your emotions
- Accepting yourself
- Having less shame or guilt
- Conflict resolution
- Self-care and self-love
- Learning how to take healthy risks in relationships
The attachment you make with your therapist is where you can begin exploring the underlying roots of your current behaviors and beliefs. This is the foundational work of identifying and ultimately changing your attachment style. With awareness, work, and practice, you can feel more secure and stay in that frame of mind.
A necessary ingredient is humility. Even when your childhood has taught you false, unhealthy lessons, it can be hard to let go. In the therapy room, you can begin releasing counterproductive coping mechanisms. They’re not serving you or anyone. Moving on is not an admission of failure. Rather, it’s a testament to your commitment and strength. You deserved better as a child, and you deserve better now. Let’s make it happen. Reach out today to learn more about how we can help!
