It’s no secret that the death of someone you love is painful. For children facing death for the first time, it can be not only upsetting, but very confusing. Their understanding of death is limited, so they may have many questions and fears. It’s important to approach this topic with sensitivity and compassion, but how? Let’s discuss!
How to Begin the Conversation
Prepare Yourself
Before talking to your child, take some time to process and grieve your own feelings. Be ready to comfort and support your child’s reactions as you manage your own. It’s okay to show them grief, it demonstrates healthy emotional expression.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be interrupted or distracted. Choose a time when your child is calm, and you have a free schedule for them to grieve. Put away distractions, turn off the tv, no cellphones or video games, and give them your full attention as you talk to them.
Use Clear Language
Use age-appropriate language as you explain what happened. Try to avoid confusing them by telling them that someone “passed away” or “gone to sleep” because it can be misleading. Instead, use direct terms of “death” or “died” in a gentle manner. It’s important for children to understand the meaning of these words.
Be Honest
Honesty is crucial. It’s okay to not know questions that your child may ask. For example, if a child asks you, “where do people go when they die?” give an answer that’s honest to your beliefs. If you don’t know, just say so! You can present them with different ideas, but be honest about there really is no clear answer.
Encourage Questions
Let your child explore their curiosity and ask as many questions as they want. Remember, they are upset and confused, and do not have a full understanding of death. Be patient. They need to process, which may involve asking the same question over and over again.
Validate Their Feelings
Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even scared. Reassure them that these are normal feelings, and that no matter what, you will be there for them when they need.
Supporting Your Child Through Grief
Maintaining Routines
Daily routines can provide a sense of security and normalcy during times of loss. Encourage regular daily activities, help them with schoolwork, and engage with them during playtime, while also allowing flexible time for comfort if they need it.
Education
Be honest about what dying is. Take time to educate your child on death, how it is normal, it happens to everyone, and it is nothing to be afraid of.
Create a Memory Box
Help your child create a memory box of items, photos, and letters of the deceased. It can be a comforting way to remember and honor them. Place the box in an accessible place so your child can reminisce when they would like.
Art Expression
Drawing, painting, and writing can be extremely therapeutic for a child. Encourage them to express their feelings through creative arts. Feelings can be difficult to express, so art is a safe way for them to process.
Empathy
Show empathy by explaining to your child that you know exactly how they feel, because you are also feeling that way. It’s okay to show your own emotions around them.
Seek Professional Help
If your child is showing symptoms of grief, sadness, anger, or changes in behavior and sleeping patterns, it may be helpful to enroll them in counseling services. Therapists can help with processing and teaching children about how to express their emotions, as well as helping parents with difficult conversations around death.