Category: Relationship Counseling

 Dating can be fun and exciting, but it also comes with challenges, heartache, and anxiety. Many people report they hope to find a lifelong partner, but when it comes to dating, there is a sense of dread. This can be especially true when we have unhealthy attachment styles.

Attachment styles are developed out of our experiences in childhood with our caregivers. As we develop, they become the framework for the way we engage and show up in our relationships. In a perfect world we would all have secure attachment styles. Secure attachment meaning we can have healthy relationships founded on trust and safety. If you are reading this, this type of relationship may feel like a foreign concept to you. The reality is, no one came from a “perfect home” and people with secure attachment styles are kind of like unicorns. Good for you unicorns, but for most of us, this is not the case. We are dealing with attachment styles that are either anxious, avoidant, or a mix of both; and it’s no walk in the park when it comes to our relationships.

 What are Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Style?

• Anxious Attachment: Someone with an anxious attachment has a fear of abandonment. This may even be subconscious. They desire to be close and may never feel it’s enough. They rarely feel safe and secure in their relationships. This style often fears their partner will leave them and find themselves often asking for reassurance.
• Avoidant Attachment: People with this type of attachment style crave freedom and typically are not fans of vulnerability. They fear being too close and feel their freedom is threatened if someone gets too close. They may often feel they date “smothering people” and have a sense of panic if someone gets too close. In relationships they often experience feeling trapped, controlled, and the need to escape.

Want to know the most ironic part? Often these attachment styles end up dating each other!

When Anxious and Avoidant People Date Each Other- The Perfect Storm

The reason people with anxious and avoidant attachments seek each other out, is our brains naturally seeks what is familiar. This mean we are attracted to partners that do the opposite of what we are wanting or needing in relationships. Often this is happening subconsciously. This leads to the anxious person craving the feeling of security and clinging which leads to the avoidant person feeling smothered and pulling away. It ends up being the perfect storm of push and pull and often results to a lot of emotional turbulence and distress for both people.

So You Have an Unhealthy Attachment Style, Is There Hope?

You may be reading this and thinking “Oh great, I am doomed!” But, there is good news. Even though we develop our attachment styles in early childhood, we can work towards having a more secure attachment style which allows up to create and engage in more secure relationships.

Counseling Therapy is a place to safely process out attachment styles, find healing, and learn coping skills to develop a more secure attachment style. This inevitably helps up navigate the dating world in a healthier way.

 At Denver CAC we love supporting our clients in developing healthy attachment styles because most of us have done the work ourselves and we understand how life changing it can be. Through self-explorations, hard work, and support in counseling you CAN learn to feel secure in your relationships and have healthy relationships. Give us a call or email us today for a free phone consultation to see if therapy might be helpful for you!

 

 

Author: Mary Ellen Benz, CEO and founder of DenverCAC

Setting boundaries is one of the most important tools for maintaining healthy relationships and self-respect. However, despite its importance, many people find it incredibly challenging to draw clear lines in their personal and professional lives. Why is this? Let’s explore some of the reasons why setting boundaries is hard, and how counseling can help you develop this crucial skill.

1. Fear of Rejection

One of the biggest reasons people avoid setting boundaries is the fear of rejection. When you tell someone “no” or communicate a personal need, there’s a fear that they may respond negatively. They might become distant, upset, or leave the relationship altogether. This fear often stems from past experiences where expressing needs led to unfavorable outcomes.

As a result, people may compromise their needs or allow others to encroach on their time, space, or energy in an effort to keep relationships intact. But in doing so, they end up feeling overburdened or resentful.

2. Guilt and Obligation

Many individuals feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when setting boundaries, especially if they’re the type who constantly aims to please others. They might worry about disappointing friends, family, or colleagues, believing they are selfish or inconsiderate if they assert their needs.

This feeling is often rooted in cultural or familial expectations where putting others first was seen as virtuous. However, continually prioritizing others at the expense of your well-being leads to burnout, frustration, and sometimes even the very relationship breakdowns you’re trying to avoid.

3. Lack of Confidence

For some people, setting boundaries feels impossible because they lack the self-esteem to believe their needs are valid. If you don’t feel worthy of respect, it can be tough to tell others that you need space, time, or support.

This insecurity often manifests in overextending oneself, saying “yes” to things they don’t want to do, or allowing others to treat them in ways that are hurtful or unfair.

4. Unclear Boundaries

Even if someone recognizes the need for boundaries, they might struggle because they aren’t entirely sure what those boundaries should look like. Should you decline a colleague’s request for after-hours help? How do you tell a friend you need time to yourself without offending them?

Without clarity on what’s acceptable and what isn’t, people often feel overwhelmed when trying to communicate their limits. They may also lack the language or skills to express these boundaries in a way that feels natural and firm.

5. Fear of Conflict

Setting boundaries can sometimes lead to conflict, and for many people, the mere thought of confrontation is paralyzing. They might worry that by setting limits, they’ll provoke anger, criticism, or an uncomfortable argument. This fear causes individuals to shy away from drawing clear lines, even when their well-being is at stake.

In reality, avoiding conflict only intensifies long-term tension. By refusing to communicate openly about boundaries, frustrations build, leading to more explosive confrontations down the road.

6. Conditioning from Childhood

Our earliest experiences shape how we approach boundaries. For those who grew up in households where personal boundaries weren’t respected or where their emotional needs were ignored, setting boundaries can feel foreign or wrong. If you learned that your value came from what you did for others or were punished for asserting your needs, establishing boundaries as an adult can feel like an uphill battle.

These ingrained patterns may feel comfortable, even if they are detrimental, because they’re all you’ve known. Breaking out of these cycles requires significant self-awareness and effort.

How Counseling Can Help You Set Boundaries

If you find it difficult to set and maintain boundaries, counseling can provide the support and guidance needed to change that. Here are some ways therapy can help:

• Increased Self-Awareness: Through counseling, you’ll explore your past experiences and understand why you struggle with boundaries. This insight can help you break free from unhealthy patterns and become more attuned to your needs.
• Improving Communication Skills: A therapist can teach you how to express your boundaries in clear and assertive ways, without feeling guilty or fearful. This often includes role-playing exercises to help you feel more confident when confronting difficult situations.
• Building Self-Esteem: Counseling helps boost self-confidence by reminding you that your needs are valid and that you deserve respect in all your relationships. By working on your self-worth, you’ll feel more comfortable advocating for yourself.
• Dealing with Fear of Conflict: A counselor can help you manage the anxiety around conflict by teaching healthy conflict-resolution strategies. Learning that conflict, when handled respectfully, can strengthen relationships will make boundary-setting easier.
• Setting Clear and Realistic Boundaries: Together with a therapist, you can define what boundaries look like for you in various aspects of life, whether at work, with family, or in romantic relationships. This clarity will help you implement and stick to them more effectively.
• Learning How to Say No: Saying no is a crucial part of setting boundaries, but it can feel uncomfortable at first. A therapist can guide you on how to say no without feeling guilty or fearing rejection, helping you reclaim control of your time and energy.

Setting boundaries is hard, but it’s essential for maintaining healthy relationships and a sense of personal well-being. Counseling can provide the tools, skills, and support needed to overcome the emotional hurdles that make boundary-setting challenging. With time and effort, you can learn to establish and maintain healthy limits in your life, leading to more fulfilling and balanced  relationships. If you feel overwhelmed with the idea of setting boundaries, therapy can help! Reach out today for a free 15 minute phone consultation.

Dating — it’s an intricate balance between emotions, expectations, and uncertainties. Whether you’re new to the dating scene or have been a resident for a while, you’re likely familiar with the many challenges that come with searching for someone special. Never fear! We’ll explore some of these common dating struggles and offer practical tips on how to navigate through them.

Why Is Dating So Hard?

Before we acknowledge these struggles, let’s discuss the one major question that everyone has: Why is dating so hard?! Well, unfortunately, there is no one right answer, however there could be a multitude of reasons that contribute to the complexities of dating.

Technology

While dating apps have made it easier to connect with potential partners, they have also added a layer of stress. The many choices can feel overwhelming, and the superficial nature of swiping can make it challenging to find meaningful connections.

Fear of Vulnerability

Opening up to someone new can be intimidating. The fear of rejection or getting hurt leads to emotional barriers that we may not be ready to knock down.

Mismatched Expectations

The world of social media and television entertainment have unrealistically shaped expectations about love and relationships. When reality doesn’t add up to these fantasies, disappointment becomes common.

Timing and Circumstances

Sometimes, it just isn’t the right time. Whether it’s because of conflicting schedules, geographical distance, or personal circumstances, finding the right person at the right time can feel emotionally and mentally exhausting.

Common Dating Struggles and How to Overcome Them

Fear of Rejection

Rejection is an inevitable part of the dating process, but it doesn’t have to be debilitating. Instead of viewing rejection as a reflection of your self-worth, try to see it as just someone who isn’t a right compatibility match for you. Focus on self-love and building a strong support group of friends and family who uplift you.

Communication Barriers

Effective communication is the building block of any successful relationship. However, misunderstandings or miscommunications are bound to happen, especially in the early stages of dating. Practice active listening, expressing your thoughts and feelings openly, and willingness to compromise when conflict arises. Remember, communication is a two-way-street, so be sure to listen as much as you speak.

Navigating the Online Dating World

Start by clarifying your intentions and preferences, whether that’s finding a long-term commitment or a casual fling. Be selective about which apps or online services you use and take breaks when needed to avoid dating burnout. When engaging with potential matches, prioritize quality over quantity and don’t be afraid to initiate meaningful conversations beyond small talk.

Overcoming Trust Issues

Past heartaches can leave lingering trust issues that may sabotage future relationships. While it’s natural to carry some emotional baggage, it’s important to not allow it to dictate your dating experience. Practice forgiveness — toward yourself and others — and approach new relationships with an open heart. Trust is built overtime through actions, so give yourself and your partner the opportunity to earn each other’s trust organically.

Dealing with Ghosting and Mixed Signals

In today’s digital world, ghosting — the sudden disappearance of communication without an explanation — has become all too common. While being on the receiving end of ghosting can be hurtful, it is essential to remember that this reflects the other person’s character, not yours. If you find yourself faced with mixed signals, don’t be afraid to have an honest conversation about your expectations and boundaries. It’s important to focus on your own well-being and surround yourself with people who value clear and respectful communication.

Seeking Help

While engaging in the world of dating, seek additional support from a mental health professional. Therapists can help you acknowledge the struggles of dating while guiding you through them. Be patient, stay true to yourself, and trust that the right person will come in time. If you find yourself struggling, please don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule an appointment.