Category: Counseling

As parents, it’s natural to fear how your words or actions may be impacting your children. Worrying about your child’s well-being is what makes you a great parent! It’s easy to dwell on the “wrong” things we are doing as parents, but in doing this, we may not even realize all the positives we do for them. Here are 5 unexpected ways you may be boosting your child’s self-esteem.

1. Giving Them Choice

Without a doubt, parents want to protect their children from failure or disappointment. However, giving them choice and allowing them to take risks can significantly boost their self-confidence. When children make their own decisions, even if it’s as simple as choosing what snack they want to eat, they will learn the importance of decision-making, and the consequences that come with it.

Yes, they will make mistakes. But they will also become resilient. They will understand that failure is a part of life, not a definition of their self-worth.

For example, if a child wants to make the choice to climb a tree, your first instinct may be to say “no” because it’s dangerous. Allowing them the freedom to climb the tree will show that you trust in their abilities, and they should, too.

2. Modeling Self-Compassion

Children learn the best by observing others. As their primary caregivers, kids will watch and mimic your actions the most. How you handle your own mistakes, setbacks, and failures will model to your children on how they should handle theirs. If your child sees you practicing self-compassion, such as acknowledging your mistakes without harsh criticism of yourself, they are likely to develop the same attitude about themselves.

Imagine you made a mistake at work. Instead of beating yourself up for the mistake, reflect on how you can do better, and move forward with a positive mindset. As your child witnesses this, they will learn that their mistakes do not define them.

3. Encouraging Independence

It can feel tempting to want to do everything for our child because it’s quicker and easier, but having them take responsibility for tasks and chores around the house can actually increase their self-esteem. Allowing your toddler to dress themselves, even if the outfit doesn’t match, having a child make their lunch for school, or having an older sibling babysit, shows them that they can achieve independence.

When children accomplish a task on their own, they experience a sense of mastery. This reinforces the idea that they are competent people who can work towards their goals. Furthermore, encouraging children to do tasks and chores on their own teaches them that their contributions matter, and being responsible is a good quality to have as they get older.

4. Listening Without Judgement

One of the most powerful ways to build our children’s self-esteem is to simply listen. When a child feels heard and understood without the fear of criticism, it validates them and makes them feel respected.

If a child comes to you with a problem, the best way for you to handle this is to listen and empathize. Take a minute before going right into problem-solving mode. Asking open-ended questions and helping them explore their feelings is a way to teach them their thoughts and emotions are important, and they should have faith in their own opinions and decisions.

5. Celebrating Effort

It’s common to celebrate achievements in school or sports, but it’s just as important to praise efforts too. When you acknowledge their hard work, you send a message that their value is not solely reliant on success.

An example could be a child working hard on a science fair project, but not winning a prize. They may feel disappointment, however you praise them for their hard work, anyway. This recognition helps them develop a growth mindset, where they understand that their effort leads to improvement and success.

If you or your child struggle with self-esteem, therapy can help. Reach out today to set up an appointment.

It’s no secret that the death of someone you love is painful. For children facing death for the first time, it can be not only upsetting, but very confusing. Their understanding of death is limited, so they may have many questions and fears. It’s important to approach this topic with sensitivity and compassion, but how? Let’s discuss!

How to Begin the Conversation

Prepare Yourself

Before talking to your child, take some time to process and grieve your own feelings. Be ready to comfort and support your child’s reactions as you manage your own. It’s okay to show them grief, it demonstrates healthy emotional expression.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be interrupted or distracted. Choose a time when your child is calm, and you have a free schedule for them to grieve. Put away distractions, turn off the tv, no cellphones or video games, and give them your full attention as you talk to them.

Use Clear Language

Use age-appropriate language as you explain what happened. Try to avoid confusing them by telling them that someone “passed away” or “gone to sleep” because it can be misleading. Instead, use direct terms of “death” or “died” in a gentle manner. It’s important for children to understand the meaning of these words.

Be Honest

Honesty is crucial. It’s okay to not know questions that your child may ask. For example, if a child asks you, “where do people go when they die?” give an answer that’s honest to your beliefs. If you don’t know, just say so! You can present them with different ideas, but be honest about there really is no clear answer.

Encourage Questions

Let your child explore their curiosity and ask as many questions as they want. Remember, they are upset and confused, and do not have a full understanding of death. Be patient. They need to process, which may involve asking the same question over and over again.

Validate Their Feelings

Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even scared. Reassure them that these are normal feelings, and that no matter what, you will be there for them when they need.

Supporting Your Child Through Grief

Maintaining Routines

Daily routines can provide a sense of security and normalcy during times of loss. Encourage regular daily activities, help them with schoolwork, and engage with them during playtime, while also allowing flexible time for comfort if they need it.

Education

Be honest about what dying is. Take time to educate your child on death, how it is normal, it happens to everyone, and it is nothing to be afraid of.

Create a Memory Box

Help your child create a memory box of items, photos, and letters of the deceased. It can be a comforting way to remember and honor them. Place the box in an accessible place so your child can reminisce when they would like.

Art Expression

Drawing, painting, and writing can be extremely therapeutic for a child. Encourage them to express their feelings through creative arts. Feelings can be difficult to express, so art is a safe way for them to process.

Empathy

Show empathy by explaining to your child that you know exactly how they feel, because you are also feeling that way. It’s okay to show your own emotions around them.

Seek Professional Help

If your child is showing symptoms of grief, sadness, anger, or changes in behavior and sleeping patterns, it may be helpful to enroll them in counseling services. Therapists can help with processing and teaching children about how to express their emotions, as well as helping parents with difficult conversations around death.

Every child has their own unique temperament. Even if you have multiple children, you might notice that they’ve all had specific quirks and character traits, seemingly from the minute they were born!

Although you’ll have a large influence on your child’s behavior, you can’t change their temperament. Over time, you may notice their temperament shifting, but it isn’t something that you can control as a parent. Some parents find this hard to accept, especially when their child does not have an “easy” temperament.

However, learning to work with your child’s temperament rather than against it can be a powerful change that benefits your whole household. Here’s how to embrace your child’s temperament.

Understand Your Child’s Temperament

First, it’s important to assess your child’s true temperament. Some children have what’s commonly called an “easy” or “flexible” temperament, which means their moods are generally stable and they can quickly adapt to changes in their routines.

Other children might have an “active” or “difficult” temperament, which indicates that they typically dislike routine changes and can be very sensitive to overwhelming stimuli. If they don’t like something, they can be very vocal about it!

Finally, some children have a “slow-to-warm” temperament. While they might be fussy at first when presented with routine changes or unfamiliar circumstances, they can adapt with time.

Accept Your Child as They Are

Accepting your child as they truly are is the key to working with their temperament. You may have moments when you wish your active child could be a little more laidback, or deal with stimuli without becoming easily overwhelmed. Or you might try to push your slow-to-warm child to adjust to new circumstances before they’re truly ready.

But this will only cause conflict between you and your child. You can’t force your child into an “easy temperament” box. Instead, you need to meet them where they are.

Plan Suitable Activities

When it comes to planning activities for your family, you’ll need to keep your child’s temperament in mind. For example, if your child has a flexible temperament, family road trips or even international vacations might be fun for everyone. But if your child is active or slow-to-warm, you might want to stick to exploring locally for now and discover what’s in your own backyard!

Be Mindful of Stimulation

Sometimes, your child might enjoy an activity, but the circumstances can drastically affect their happiness. For instance, maybe your child likes to go to the beach, but when it’s the height of summer and the beaches are packed, they might seem stressed and aggravated by the excess stimulation.

You could save beach days for times when there won’t be so many crowds. You might be surprised by how many activities your active or slow-to-warm child enjoys when the environment is right!

Don’t “Punish” Your Child Based on Their Temperament

Finally, remember that your child will naturally learn, grow, and step outside of their comfort zone as time goes on. But you cannot push them to change their natural temperament. If you’re in a situation where your child is very clearly distressed and overstimulated, forcing them to remain in that situation will not necessarily help them build resilience.

Instead, it might increase their anxiety and make them feel more reluctant to try new things in the future. Likewise, even a flexible child will benefit from routines, structure, and predictable schedules — they can’t always adapt on the fly.

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Need more help supporting your child? Don’t hesitate to to learn more about how child therapy can help!

No one wants to fail. No one likes to fail. But beyond what we may believe, failure is a part of life. For some, however, this fear of failure is so intense that it can cause severe psychological harm. So much so, that it is possible to pass this fear onto children. Without even realizing it, parents can pass down their deepest insecurities. How do you know? Can it be stopped?

Identifying Fear of Failure

Children are like sponges; they absorb behaviors from their caregivers and hold onto them. Before you can recognize if you are projecting your fears, you must first learn to identify them.

The fear of failure has a few signs:

• Anxiety
• Helplessness
• Feeling out of control
• Indecisiveness
• Powerlessness
• Avoidance

People who are afraid to fail often struggle with making decisions, regulating emotions, and being able to set and achieve goals. A lot of times, this fear is rooted with low self-esteem and undermining their skill set. People may not even try something new due to their feelings of inadequacy.

Fear of Failure in Children

While you want your child to develop a healthy view of failure, it is possible that they learn to fear it. How can you tell? Here a few signs that your child is afraid to fail.

Reaction to Mistakes

Everybody makes mistakes! This is a well known phrase by now, and hopefully this is one of the first lessons you teach your kids. Sometimes, however, children make a mistake that causes an intense reaction from parents. If this happens often, it is possible that they start to fear messing up. They may start to learn that making mistakes is not okay because it causes an extreme reaction from caregivers. It may even cause them to never want try anything new.

Punishing Failure

As a parent, you need to discipline your child. But there is a line and it can be difficult to find where that line is. You want to be fair but not cruel. Bad behaviors have consequences, but these consequences do not have to necessarily be punishments. For example, if your child is getting bad grades, your first instinct might be to ground them or take something away. This could unintentionally be teaching your kids that failing is a bad thing. Instead of rushing right to a punishment, try finding solutions like hiring a tutor or helping them study.

Being Pushy

Another way kids can fear failing is if they feel they are pushed into a hobby or activity they don’t want to do. If a parent played baseball when they were younger, they might want to encourage their kid to try it as well. It’s possible that the child doesn’t necessarily like the sport, but they are afraid of their parent being upset with them for wanting to quit. Their parents’ disappointment can be similar to failing in their eyes.

How to Help

You can absolutely help your child with this fear! It’s never too late to start teaching them to embrace making mistakes. The main point is that mistakes are made to help us learn. Failure is just another opportunity for us to try again. We learn, we grow, and we persevere. We are going to succeed more once we learn to accept when we fail.

It may also be beneficial to seek personal help from a mental health professional. You must get your own fears under control if you want any hope for helping your children. Therapy can help you overcome this fear while also helping you to teach your children how to manage. Family therapy can be a wonderful resource to learn and grow together. Reach out and schedule a session today!

Screaming, crying, yelling, pouting — all signs of a storm brewing within your child. As parents, we can see the signs of a tantrum beginning and an immediate sense of dread washes over us. Our brains start thinking, “This is an emergency! I need to fix this right away!” We can feel our stress levels beginning to rise until we are almost as upset as our children.

During these times, it is important to be aware of yourself and your mindset and then try to stay calm. While easier said than done, here are five tips for keeping clam during tantrums.

1. Prepare Your Mind

While we want to try our best to prevent tantrums, it’s impossible to avoid all of them. Once you recognize the signs that an outburst is starting, you can brace yourself. Trust in yourself that you can handle their large emotions. Remember, it is not about you.

Children experience intense emotions that they don’t know how to manage. While they may project these difficult feelings onto you, it is more them trying to understand how they are feeling rather than them being upset towards you. Tell yourself it will end soon, then the parenting can begin.

2. These Are Your Child’s Emotions, Not Yours

Children do not have the skills to communicate emotions at a young age. They feel things intensely and don’t know another way to release this tension. Just because they are experiencing an emotional response does not mean that you have to. Ground yourself by practicing mindfulness, take deep breathes, and even walk away for a few minutes. Talk your emotions through with a partner, friend, or family member and identify your emotions in the process. Understanding how these tantrums make you feel can help you regulate them in the moment.

3. Don’t Take Tantrums Personally

Crying and screaming are a normal part of child development. It’s the only way they know how to express themselves during this time period. It’s not about you, it’s about them trying to communicate a need. Instead of feeding into the tantrum, try to understand what they are communicating.

Demonstrate communication skills by presenting them with options about how they may be feeling. Help them identify the emotion and what caused them to feel that way. Remind yourself that they are still babies and cannot vocalize needs effectively. You did nothing wrong and it is not your fault.

4. Minimize Words

At the peak of the tantrum, children are going to be unable to pay attention to what you’re saying. Give them space and allow them to work through the entirety of their emotions. You can try to get them to calm down by breathing with them, letting them know it’s okay and you are right here, and even soothing them by hugging or holding them.

Once you notice them relax, take this opportunity to educate and understand the reason behind the tantrum. Present other options for them to release emotions other than yelling and crying.

5. Form a Connection

Change your mindset to take a more positive spin on tantrums. This is not a result of poor parenting or a bad behaved kid. This is an opportunity for you to connect with your child and normalize their emotions. Allowing them a safe space to express their feelings will build a bond between you, and they will feel comfortable going to you for help with other difficult emotions. Telling them that you love them and are here for them will help future tantrums, and could possibly even decrease the frequency of them.

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If you feel you are struggling with personal emotions during your child’s tantrum, seeking help from a mental health professional may also be beneficial. Learn coping skills and techniques to help keep your emotions in check so you may better support your children. Schedule a session today!